Confessions

Being childless has brought as much freedom to me as it has heartache. But I still have my moments where my heart breaks a little. At times, I see my boyfriend with his daughter, and I find myself jealous that he has something so precious that I will never have. He has that connection with a child that cannot be fabricated. She will always be first in his heart, and I will never rise above 2nd, even though my circumstances let me put him first. I will never have anything that is a piece of me like that—not him, not a child. It’s a fleeting feeling that rarely lasts more than a minute, thank goodness. In those moments, I feel sad and jilted, because I was not given an opportunity to have my own child, when so many others have been that (in my mind) are not deserving.

I have researched being in a relationship with a man who has a child, and how to be “good” in this role. I want to do this right because I love them both. I guess there is no handbook on how to walk into a ready-made family, where you are the outsider that must do most of the adjusting, and yet must be content staying in the background. Let me clarify—all parties have made adjustments and sacrifices, but I’m an adult who has lived my life a certain way, knowing I cannot have kids. And now I’m changing not just my home to make room for a child (physically), but my routines, my goals, and my whole sense of identity. Although I welcome this new role, it can weigh heavy on me knowing my house went from me in power to me being 3rd.

I don’t want to be selfish. I want to be this child’s friend, but not disrespected. I want to be there for her, but not her servant. I want to provide her happiness, but not spoil her. Since my role is very limited, I can easily step on toes of her parents by standing up for what I feel is right. It can be a helpless feeling, not knowing where my boundaries are in my own home. Over time, they will reveal themselves, through trial and error.   Hopefully not too much error.

Since I have no children, my input and advice can easily be ignored, and I pray that I am taken seriously and not dismissed due to my “inexperience”. Children or no children, I can see behaviors and gauge their long term effects. I remember my own reactions to my parents, my own turmoil as a child, and I remember the discipline that was brought to me—both good and bad.

So these are my deepest, darkest thoughts as of late. I pray for wisdom. I have had all of these fragmented thoughts whirling in my head at different times these past 2 weeks, and I finally think I may have pulled them together now so I understand them better. I don’t want to sound overly selfish or negative, but I don’t want to deny my honest feelings either.

I believe he is worth this, and so is she.  I'm counting on it.

The Right Reasons

“Are you ready for this?” Allen asked me with his smartassy look. It was just the 2 of us, and he can read me like an open book. “Um, yeah, I think I am," I replied.   He just grinned and said, “You may as well be. You’re already in it!” We both laughed, knowing he spoke the truth. So, why am I in it? Why have I made this commitment? Why him, and why now?


I can give you the logical explanations for being “in it”. Financially, sharing a home with someone else is a cost saving thing, because rent and utilities are split. Physically, having a man in the house means less work for me. I’m not the sole muscle behind repairs, chores, and mowing. Mentally, having a man around provides a sense of security. Emotionally, having a man around brings conversation, attention, and hope.

All of those are good, logical reasons. They are all true, but none have been enough reason in the past to share my home permanently with anyone. No man has had me willing to call my house, “our” house. No man has had me willing to open up the contents and chaos of my home to him in such a vulnerable way. I’m not afraid of being alone, so seclusion is actually the easiest option for me. Giving up my space and freedom is quite a sacrifice.


So why then? Because:

...my heart has said it’s OK to trust him.

…for the first time, I am ready: I’m more settled physically and emotionally than I’ve ever been.

…I’ve found in him a common moral compass, and character.

… being with him makes me more comfortable than being alone. (Never had that one before.)

…he is open and honest, but without the brutality that some bring with it. In turn, I can be honest with him.

…he has my heart and I find him to be irresistible.

…I know that he truly does love me, as much as I love him.

…I have peace.


As you can see, it’s not because I need him. It’s because I want him.   I want to support his decisions, his parenting, his life.  I want to wake up next to him and share life with him.    I have been preparing myself, whether intentionally or not, for his presence in my life.  And now that he's finally here, I want to make the most of it.

Just in Time

I'm taking a breather from cleaning.  I've downsized my crap into managable and findable places.  I've visited Goodwill enough I should be on a first name basis with the collections men.  I've been a thorn in the side of my trash men, as they have picked up countless bags from my curb in the last few weeks.  I've downsized my pets as well, leaving me with Sidney and the house is so much more peaceful.  I'm making room for a family.

It's all in preparation for an exciting new time in my life.  I am preparing this old house to be a home for the first time in 9 years.  I'm throwing away pieces of the past to make room for the future.  I'm more hopeful than I've been in a very long time.

I have been caught off guard by a man and his daughter.  I didn't think I could find anyone like this.  I didn't think I could fall in love with a man AND his child.  I didn't think I could be this comfortable with a man, this at peace with a relationship.  And it reminds me that there is a God who has my best interests at heart.   They make me laugh, they make me proud, and they make me thankful.  They both fill a desire I've had my whole life.  I am not so naive as to think I will be the child's mother--she has one that loves her dearly.  But it is a chance to be a positive influence and to take on a motherly role with a willing child, and to support an amazing man as he goes through the ups and downs of raising a daughter.  It is a chance to love a man with all of this experience and devotion that I've been building all these years.  It's a chance to be the woman my parents taught me to be.  It's also a chance for me to allow a man to love me and to accept me. 

The move has already begun.  My house has already begun evolving into what it was meant to be when I purchased it 9 years ago--OUR home. 

And so, the transition continues.  This time next week, I will be sharing this home permanently with 2 amazing people, a dog, a cat, a hamster, and dozens of stuffed animals.  I will be fulfilling the role I always longed for.

My dad always said that God is never early and never late:  He's always right on time.

Walking a Tightrope

I am unique. I have no children. I‘m 38. I cannot have kids and that is definite. And I’m single. I’ve dated men in recent years who had grown or nearly grown kids. The teenagers have presented a challenge, because they considered me to be a threat. And the child always comes first. I recognize that, and try to be patient. But not all kids are willing to have their parent date. If the kids are not ready for the father to date, then the dating will never last. It’s only been an issue for me this past year, as I’ve dated men with daughters still at home.


I have heard the endless horror stories from divorced mothers at work--the “bitch” the ex married and the things she does or says to her step kids. I have heard stories from teens about their lack of respect for their step moms, as well. I’ve heard the jealousy, the bitterness, the hurt. I’ve vowed to never be “that woman”.

Now that I am in a relationship with a man who has a daughter, I find that it’s a very tough balancing act--a very underrated, misunderstood position to be in. How does he keep his daughter first without spoiling her and overlooking me? I can easily put him first, but I will never be first in his life--am I OK with this? How do I obtain respect from her, when she is clearly ahead of me in the food chain and knows it? How do I play this role of potential mother figure, when there are definite limitations on my input? How do I support him and her 100%, and still not lose my own self in the process? How do I do this the right way, and not hurt anyone or get hurt in the process?

Soon, we will function more as a family unit. I’m excited, I’m thrilled, and I’m scared. I cannot let this relationship swallow my sense of self until I don‘t recognize it anymore. I have to be willing to pursue my own interests at the same time I’m giving them the freedom and support to pursue theirs. I am going to attempt to balance family time with friend time with hobby time with kid time with work time with home chores and boyfriend time. Up until now, my home projects were easily put on hold, because time with friends and family was first. My home must be a kid friendly safe zone, not a place to crash until the next morning (as it has been for 9 years). I have to make time for my friends now, where before they WERE my time away from work. I must consider my boyfriend and his daughter in all future decisions and plans. I’m basically going from single, independent woman who calls her own shots to ready-made family.

I am willing to do all of this. I’m up for it. But I know it will involve some growing pains. It will involve some serious balancing on everyone’s part. I am a giver by nature, and must be strong enough to know when I’ve compromised myself too much, and when it’s time to raise my patience levels to accommodate the changes that are going to occur. My friends and family will always be my safety net, as long as I keep them close. I ask God for wisdom in this process.

He is worth it, this man. He is worth the risk I’m taking, the freedom I am willingly relinquishing. So is she. They have taken my heart and given me something I’ve longed for. I don’t want to let them down, and am scared at the same time of being let down as well.

But living is about taking risks, and they are worth the risk.

Winds of Change

Change once again looms. It hovers over me. Sometimes, I sense change before it happens—I feel it in my spirit. I will tell my dad, "The winds of change are blowing" long before they occur, and he realizes that I'm feeling an anxiousness about something that I cannot explain.  Other times, life surprises me. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by life over the past year, as changes swept in and altered my world. 38 has been a good year for me. Some of the change was internal, and some was external—some chosen, and some not. Much of the time, change just happens, and we adapt to it. Life throws us opportunities that are both toilsome and freeing. Some of the changes over the past year were difficult, but they were for my best. Sometimes I don’t see the positive in situations until years later—I can look back and say, “I’m glad it happened, even though it hurt at the time.” But the changes this past year had immediate effects in my life. They led to greater growth and happiness at a fast pace.


The upcoming changes have been looming in my mind as an option for a different future for myself and others. I had hoped for a transition.  Maybe not exactly this way, but “the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry”. True?  This time change hasn’t begun with anxiousness in my spirit or keen senses on my part, it’s a change that I have had to initiate and to want to happen. I have taken the first step, and feel at peace.

I am nervous. I am excited. I am planning and scheming and mulling over the preparations. I feel as if so much of the past few years have led up to this time in my life. The personal growth, the job security, the house, the stability, the family, the friends—it has all been for purposes outside of my own personal fulfillment.

I am embracing this change, and it has me full of anticipation.

Father's Day Reflections



Circa 1973 -  Mom and Dad were 23

 When my father was my age, 38, I was 16.  I saw him as wise, strong, stable.  I saw my parents as old, and wondered who I would be and where I would be at their age.  Oh, the naivety of youth.

I realize now that my dad was likely just holding on.  He was making life work, not having all the answers, but faking his way through it anyway.  I have found a new stability in the past year and a half, and I wonder if he had found that yet.  I have no children, and although part of me still feels 18, I appreciate the wisdom that has come with age.  I wouldn't relive any of my past, because life was hard enough the first 38 years.  But those experiences made me stronger.  Having 16 and 17 year old daughters, did my dad feel 18?  Likely not.  Did he have it as together as I assumed?  Likely not.  But I believed in him.  I knew he would make everything OK.  As long as I had my dad, things would work out.

I now see my dad's white hair, his tired eyes, and the scar on his chest.  One day he will not be here, and I will still be OK.   He has taught me well.  I can take care of myself.  He has seen me through financial, relationship, workplace, and religious caverns.  Because of my dad's consistent love, devotion, care, and respect, I have learned to be the strong woman he had hoped I would become.   His example has shown me what integrity is, what devotion is, what respect is. 

Me and Dad around 1995

I needed my dad at 16 for financial, emotional, and religious reasons.  Now, I need him for wisdom.  I gleen what I can from him.  My favorite times with him are when we are alone, visiting, going over our hopes, our disappointments, our dreams, our failures.  We analyze each others' dreams and each others' experiences.  His knowledge is vast.  Yet he is willing to listen to my take on things.  At these times, our relationship is not just father/daughter.  It's friendship. 

My dad made mistakes.  He wasn't perfect.  But his devotion to us--his family--overrides all of those errors.  His consistency in my life has been priceless.  He believed in me when I didn't believe in me.  He prayed for me when I told him not to waste his time.  He doesn't have to be harsh with us, because we know him well enough to see when we have disappointed him.  That is punishment enough.

I am blessed to have a father I respect.  I am blessed to have his example in my life.  I only hope I can one day be such an example in the life of a child.

New Hope

When I was young, I was going to conquer the world.  I was going to prove something--to myself, to my family, to the world.  Then life happened.  And I continued, but held onto those dreams.  I was meant for great things.  I was going to do something BIG one day.  But slowly, life took twists and turns, and waiting for this or that opportunity to arise became lost in the day to day grind of survival, finding myself, and growing.  And as I entered my mid thirties, my dreams had completely changed.  I was no longer expecting to be great--I just wanted to survive.  My expectations lowered, my joy was drowned.

I now realize that doing great things or being a great person can happen, small moment by small moment.  I will not be President.  I will not change the world.  But I can change my own world.  I can change the world for others through my own willingness to help, to love, to be the person I was made to be.  That is as great as any wealthy, powerful person.

I am now seeing how many of my hardships have built my character.  They have prepared me for this moment.  They have calmed me, solidified my values, and led me to my current path.

I am not rich.  I am not going to make the "most beautiful" list.  I am not going to bare a child.  I may never win the lottery.  But I do have a new hope.  But a different hope from my youth.  A hope for the future that involves stability, companionship, and love.  I am able to use the gifts and the experience of my past to be the person I need to be at this moment in time, for those people around me who mean the most to me.

I am blessed.