Baby Dreams

Since I’ve lost weight, I’ve been dreaming again. For a long time, I didn’t enter REM due to my weight. However, since I’ve lost weight, I sleep better and dream again. Very few dreams stay with me longer than a few minutes after I wake, and those that do only last about an hour in my head before drifting off into oblivion.

I awoke yesterday from a very vivid dream. One of those dreams where you are not sure when you awaken what is reality. I dreamed I was pregnant—something I’ve never dreamed before.

I had just found out I was pregnant—verified by a doctor. I knew it was not possible, because I had no uterus. But for whatever reason, it was true. It rather embarrassed me, because I knew people wouldn’t believe I could be pregnant, and they would wonder who I had slept with (knowing I have no boyfriend, they would assume it was a one night stand). I had been nauseated (which I swore I could feel in the dream), and I knew I was 8 weeks pregnant. I realized that my whole life had to be rearranged for this child—I was going to be a single mom. So I had to consider a baby room, daycare, recovery time, etc.

Now, I am a believer that our dreams can have meaning, or even be foretelling. But I also believe they can just be our emotions coming out as we sleep.

The dream was both really cool, and really weird considering my situation. I told it to my sister, who asked, “What are you about to birth in your life?”

So, it’s either a way of my mind saying to prepare for what’s to come, or I had to poop while I was asleep. I’m betting on the latter.

Babies, Shmabies

My cousin posted this on facebook, "Praying very hard! My sister has a doctor appt today . . . .I just want them to finally experience the joy and the love that many of us have found when we had our little babies. They deserve it sooooooooooo much!"

She posted it a few weeks ago, and it immediately annoyed me. I know her sister has had a miscarriage, and I know her sister is young. But the things that annoy me are . . . ."pray" and "deserve". Last I checked, not everyone that can procreate deserves to, and not everyone that deserves a child can procreate. And from my experience, praying doesn't solve the biggest issues of my life.

A girl I went to college with is pregnant and has been posting pics of her ultrasounds. It's her first. And I am happy for these people. I really am. But it reopens wounds when I hear about praying and God's will and deserving. My sister tried for many years to have my niece, and she's tried for years after for another. She is an excellent mom. Do they think we haven't prayed for another child for her? that I hadn't prayed for a decent guy or for my uterus to be saved? I have learned a hard lesson. Life is hard and we shove God into the crevices of our minds--into what we desire. If it works to our favor, then it's God's blessings. If it doesn't work to our favor, then "you can always adopt" is the canned (and very unhelpful) retort.

I played by the rules provided me by the church. So did my sister. And my marriage still failed. Even bigger to me, my uterus is gone. And hearing about God and his will is very unrealistic in my mind. So much of what I've been taught and believed previously has been proven wrong. So where does that leave me? Trying to just get through life, day by day, and enjoy the time with friends. And not think too much about all I've lost. Not think too much about the false teachings. Not think too much about God.