Tuesday, April 26, 2011

A Waste of a Gorgeous Man

I have been doing some research, some delving into my own mind and heart. I have accused the last guy I dated of being a Narcissist, and so I began researching the disorder. The answers I never got from him, I believe I found in my articles. Here is a series of funny but serious quotes on Narcissists:


Narcissists are all about being adored and looked up to. They have a commanding demeanor, and they are charming. But they are also very insecure and need constant adoration. They suck in their prey with grace and charm, but once that prey shows her intelligence and any signs of strength--that she is not going to be a complete subordinate--she is dropped for another. The narcissist cannot stand for anyone to see him for who he truly is. If she is unfortunate enough to be kept around, he will cheat on her, use her, and control her. She will be so horrifically codependent that leaving will eventualy seem impossible. Those like me who were shut out without reason are left to wonder WTF happened. And the truth is, the Narcissist said love, but he didn't mean it. He said a lot of things he didn't mean. He really has no idea how to love anyone but himself. I believe he even loathes himself, but has a huge self-preservation part of him that stems from life's traumas. Narcissists are manipulators. They don't show much guilt or shame, because they are above that.

I believe he stormed into my walls and saw my heart and realized it was too strong to tolerate the likes of him for long. Maybe he found another person who suited his fancy. That's OK, because history shows she will fall victim to his cruelty as well. If not, I pity her for the abuse she will endure.

I do not hate this man, and sadly I do still love who I thought he was. But I do see that his love for me was false. I also see that he needs serious therapy.

It's such a waste of such a good looking specimen, to have a head so fucked up. But it is what it is.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Pistols are awesome

I have desired to learn to use a gun for a while. I live alone. I have 2 dogs who are decent watch dogs, but if someone wanted to get in my house they could, and if the person carried a gun, my dogs would be little defense. I asked my brother in law to take me to a gun range. He was as excited as I was. He showed me his various guns beforehand. We went to the range, and I admit I was a little nervous. I purchased everything he recommended--targets, hearing protection, and safety goggles. We went to an outdoor range he's a member at, and he showed me the basics.

The first few shots he fired had me jump each time. It was just the shock of it. But I soon became used to the shells flying around, the pops of the bullets exploding from the barrel. And I LOVED IT. it was empowering. I shot a Kimber 1911 and a Sig 9mm, and we also shot his AR-15. John is a great teacher, full of patience, and he wants you to know the right way to grip a gun, the rules of handling a gun, the proper stance to ensure a strong frame, and how to use the safety. My coworker Kimberly came as well, and we were like kids in a candy store.

We had a blast, shooting at targets, shooting canteloupe, and cheering each other on. I am now going to purchase my own pistol. I want to take a class with some friends, so we can all learn some basics and get more comfortable with the art of shooting.

I feel like I've accomplished something great, here. I'm dying to do it again.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Advice to Men

It has been a crazy few weeks, as I've struggled to find me again, to move on, to not think of him. Just when I'm moving forward, something edges back into my mind and I think of him. I mourn the loss of him as I struggle with the knowledge that I was not important to him. I found this amazing connection with a man, and he chose to ignore me for days. I am not a hook-up that you call when you need something. I am a human being--a viable person. I deserve more than that. I'm not a whore you call when you are alone and bored or need some attention. So I go between anger at him for brushing me aside so easily after claiming my heart, and the love I still hold for him. I wish in some ways he would call and answer my questions and tell me it was a mistake or a misunderstanding. But I wonder if that would be enough--he would have to prove to me he loves me. I don't think he knows how to do that.

Growing up, I struggled to feel important. The focus was always on my dad's job, my mom's stress, my sister's sports. I was always in the background, the good girl, the peacemaker. I tried hard to earn a little attention, but rarely got it. When I dated, I found myself with smart men who were not only controlling but very self absorbed. My husband gave me no attention at all. It's as if I continued my hell with my choices. When I met this man recently, I felt important for the first time ever. I felt wanted for the first time. But then after a few weeks, I was again unwanted, unimportant.

Cheating on me and ignoring me are the 2 worst things a man can do to me. I'd rather be hit than ignored, because at least you care enough to hit.

I want a man who wants me, and isn't afraid to tell me. I want a man who is willing to fit me into his life somehow. Even if it means some random scheduling due to his kids--if he makes an effort to see me and to talk to me, that's priceless. I want a man to say partnership and love, and to be willing to show it to me and not just talk about it. I want a man who is as interested in what I have to say as what he has to say. I want a man who wants to be a part of my life--not just expecting me to fit into his.

I have yet to find this man. and it hurts like hell, because this man talked the talk, but he couldn't walk the walk.

My advice for men:

Don't say LOVE unless you MEAN it.

Don't talk it if you can't walk it.

Don't be too cowardly to be open. If she wants to talk, and needs to talk, and needs something, LISTEN. Show her you care--don't just say it.

Don't leave without a reason.

If you truly love her, involve yourself in her world. Don't make it all about yours.

Listen to her. Ask her questions, and really listen to the answers. Respect her answers.

Don't jump into a good woman's heart, and then run like hell.

If you miss her, tell her.

If you can't do these things, stick to your hook-ups and stay out of the real world of stable, good women.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Screen Doors

Close friends know that I have dreams that have meaning to me. Some dreams are recurring. Some are the result of imagination. But every now and then I have one that strikes me as being more than just a moment of stupidity in my psyche. These dreams are usually very vivid, and randomly haunt me throughout my day.

This morning when I awoke, I remembered a very vivid dream. I dismmissed it as I prepared for my day. But randomly, that dream continued to pop into my head. Finally, this evening, I called my sister and told her about it.

I was repairing a screen door that was framed in wood. There was no solid door in this opening. It was simply a screen door that separated inside from outside. The door looked as if it had been nearly ripped off its hinges and the frame was loose. The walls were made of concrete, so they were solid. But the concrete edges had been chipped away at the door opening. I also remember seeing cracks in the wall near the door. My goal was to better secure the door and frame, and to caulk and seal any gaps. It would not look new when I finished, but it would be solid and sealed enough for use. I put a nail in the door frame to secure it to the wall, and then opened the screen door to see how stable it was. It was not stable at all, and that's when I realized the frame had been nearly ripped out of the openeing. This would require a lot more fasteners. But I had plenty, and I had the time, so I was just going to do it.

Having taught on boundaries, I know that I have nice, thick, concrete walls to protect myself from others. But every wall has a door at some point. If the house in the dream is me, then I had a screen door for an opening. That's not so bad. We are supposed to have boundaries with others, but healthy boundaries are like chain link fences--where people can see in and out, and air can move in and out, but lines are clearly marked.

Someone must have torn through that door with such force that they nearly removed the frame out of concrete. That would take a lot of force, a lot of determination, and a complete lack of respect. It was going to take extra time and work to mend it. But I knew how to fix it.

Doors are for entry and exit, and are how we connect with others. A man recently blasted through my door, took what he wanted, and was gone as quickly as he arrived. It happened so fast and with such determination on his part, that he damaged not just my door but my framework. He had no respect for me. He is a predator. He found my one vulnerable entry, and he bashed it.

This is two fold--I hate to believe that someone I trusted was truly a predator, but I now believe he was. He has some amazing gifts that he has chosen to use for his own personal gain, and intentionally hurting others. I see how he damaged the door to my heart. However, on the up side, I have had to repair the door to my heart before. I know what it takes. I can and will do this.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Girl Power!!!

At the beginning of this year, I decided that this was MY year to get outside my box. Alas, I was doing so well. And then I fell for a guy that I shouldn't have. It ended so abruptly, yet left me with more questions than answers. And so I have spent the last few weeks reflecting on that, and more importantly, on me.

This weekend I had a hair appointment, and my stylist is my age, and we are a lot alike. Not only did she give me some great insight into myself and what I deserve and should expect, but she also reminded me who I am and where I was mentally before dating the jerk. I left her little salon empowered. I bought new clothes, went out with friends to a few straight bars, and was hit on by random strangers, and was given the evil eye by a black woman because her man was checking me out. (Cracked me up! She needed to give HIM the evil eye, because I was not interested in her man.)

So, after a good weekend and some thinking, I went ahead and booked a cruise. I'm going to the Western Carribean in late August--right around my birthday. I will be gone for a week, basking in the sun, drinking until I'm stupid, dancing, and letting loose. I can't wait. I'm going with some cousins on my mom's side, and they are a partying bunch. This should be interesting. :-)

I sat down with my brother in law and we began discussing guns. I've never shot one. But I'm a woman who lives alone in a fairly questionable area. I want one to keep in my house.....just in case. John has several guns and is going to take me and some friends to the range to let me get a feel for different types that he has--glocks, cigs, revolvers, etc. He's going to show us the basics. I'm excited to do this. I have a feeling I'm going to love it. My hair stylist told me it's fun and empowering. My goal is to purchase a gun this summer.

I'm going to make an effort to go to different bars. I have been a faithful friend to my gays, and I'm wearing thin on the gay club scene. I doubt my best friends will be willing to expand their own horizons to join me, but it's something I have to do for myself.

I'm done with online dating. I've decided that the men online are either gross or predators. I don't have to peruse dating websites for a hook up. I can get one at my local QT, apparently. (Anyone who knows me knows I don't hook up with strangers, FYI--to many diseases and a complete lack of self respect.) I've also realized that any man who is on one site is likely on 3 others, so he may not be perusing the one he met you on, but he's likely perusing others as you are dating. Predatorial. That's all I have to say about that.

So, I'm feeling good. Mercury is coming out of retrograde at the end of this week. I have a cruise to look forward to, the last of my weight to lose, and some bar hopping and gun toting on the horizon.

Now I just need the motivation to do some spring cleaning. Ugh!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


I am very fortunate. I have some amazing friends. I wasn't always this fortunate. I used to be such a loner that I didn't make friends easily. A few weeks ago, one of my friends told me, "people come into our lives for a reason, and either a season or a lifetime. I hope you are a lifetime friend." I was so touched. For someone who is rather elusive, that made me feel good. He has a loner spirit in him, so it meant a lot to me. But maybe we connect because I understand where that comes from. It's easier to be alone than to get hurt.

Tonight, I chatted with a friend on facebook. She lived with me for a time, and it nearly ruined our friendship. We were instant friends when we met. But by the time she moved out, there was a lot of awkwardness and frustration between us. We have chatted a few times since, but never anything in depth. Tonight, we chatted and it's like that frustration didn't happen. We picked up the friendship where it should have left off. We have both had a rough month, and we were able to swap stories, share advice, and we remembered what the whole friendship was for to begin with.

I have had another friend since I was 5. She and I rarely see each other. She lives in Texas and so our friendship continues through very random emails. Yet, I consider her a very dear friend. I can tell her anything. We can talk about any subject. And it's as if, each time, we had been talking daily all along. Even though she is married with kids and very involved in her church (can we say opposite me?) we still connect on a very personal level. We have a history.

I also have some male friends who have been with me for about 2 years who could not be more opposite me. Yet, we text daily, we cry with each other, and we allow each other to vent. We play devil's advocate, and yet we don't get too angry. We know each other so well, that we understand the others' intentions. Even in our disgust with each other, we drop it by the next day and move forward as if it didn't happen. My parents have met and love these friends, because they understand that it's more of a sibling relationship than an acquaintance.

And there are the new friends. The coworkers, the people I've finally allowed into my world. They are just as priceless, and they help me get through hard times on the job that others may not understand. But it's more than just a job friend--it's a true friend. I'm skeptical of work friendships, so letting a coworker in is a big step for me. I'm glad I've learned to let a few in.

I have friends in all age ranges. 20's to 50's. All income levels, colors, and sexes. Having such eclectic friends enriches my life.

My dad pointed out the other night that he is so amazed at my friendships. He told me that relying on my friends has been so amazing, because they are always there for me. And he noted how good it is as a father to know that your daughter has people she can rely on, even when others in her life let her down.

The other day, I called my sister. She asked, "What's up?" I started tearing up, and said, "I need my big sister." I hadn't said that in many years. And she was there for me. I learned years ago that my friendship with my sister was a model for any other relationship. We had to make our connection work, for the sake of the greater good. And so, no matter how badly we fought, we knew we loved each other and would eventually make up and be close again. That is how I have to view my friends. If I truly love them, I will let go of the hurts and make it work. I am so glad I've been able to see that. Because I do love my friends, and we have helped each other through break-ups, family feuds, drunken stupors, and life changes.

Thank you to my friends. Young and old. No matter how long we've known each other or how far apart we live. You all make my life more interesting, more fulfilling, and more amazing than it could ever be alone.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Narcissists are Cowards

There is an excitement in a new love. In a new relationship. This time, I fell fast and hard. Why? He reached past the walls that I so adamantly built. He didn't even acknowledge them. He had me admit to thoughts and emotions that I wasn't prepared to admit, by seeing them and questioning them. It was very surreal. It was very scary. And he sucked me in with his voice, with his looks, but more than that, with his amazing gifts and skills. I was awestruck. I fell hard and fast---and I've NEVER fallen that hard and fast for any guy. The things he said, the personal stories he shared, it was all very intimate. He pushed love, the lasting kind of love. About commitment. Said he wished he had been a better man in his youth to deserve me. That he hoped I held on for the ride. That he loved me, and was in love with me. And then, as abruptly as it started, it stopped. I was suddenly left in the dark. I was merely fit into his busy (really? I don't think so!) schedule. Maybe it was the thrill of the hunt he liked, and when he had me it was no longer interesting. Maybe it was that I was too stable and too normal. Maybe I was one of several women he was doing this to at once. Some things that would have been red flags early on were not revealed until after I was sucked in. By then, it didn't matter so much, because I had already made a commitment to him.

Suddenly, it was this realization that I wasn't fitting into his world. I was not a consideration. The man who pushed commitment, suddenly had none for me. I did what I could--I gave, and I gave. And yet, it was futile. His excuses, in hindsight, are ridiculous. His drama is of his own doing. His willingness to suck me in and then discard me was pretty fuckin amazing and manipulative. He is a player. He is a user. He is a taker. He is NOT a giver. I got very, very little out of it past the first few weeks. If it wasn't about him and his greatness, then it didn't exist. And I didn't exist. I wonder how many women he has played this way. I am sad that I was sucked in. I am angry at him for being so selfish. I am really not angry at myself for once, because this was so atypical. It caught me off guard. It seemed too good to be true initially, and it was.

I am strong and resilient. This is not my first rodeo. I'm not this sad, naive, needy child that will hang on for months on end to a man who toys with me. I will let go, and I did. I sent an email expressing my disdain. Did he read it? Likely not, because if it's not uplifting to himself, then he's not interested. But I put in writing my feelings. I explained my hurt. And I told the truth--he is a coward. He would not answer my calls or texts. He could not face me in any way. He showed that his narcissistic personality is so huge, that I don't even deserve an explanation. I really don't think he had one. I think he does this en masse with women. What a lonely, pathetic man he will be one day, when his looks fail him and his reputation precedes him. He could have had an amazing woman with me. He has no idea the level of committment I am willing to give a man, the lengths that I would go to for the right person. But he will never know.

I am a fighter. I am a good person. I am not going to roll over and let a man shit on me repeatedly. I deserve better. I have a lot to offer. I am self sufficient. I don't need a man, I just want one. All I ask from a man is a little attention. That's not a lot, folks. I am a giver, and I will take care of a man who is willing to be there for me. Unfortunately, this man either found me to be not dumb enough, not blond enough, or just too normal. I'd rather be too normal than so messed up that I hang onto a narcissist for years on end, waiting for my turn to get acknowledgement. My parents didn't raise a fool, so I'm not that girl.

And you know what? I'm OK. When I made the decision to cut that cord, I went from sick to my stomach to peace within minutes. Sure, I have a lot of unanswered questions. But I have so much to offer that it's not like I'm going to sit in my room crying for days. I will never get the answers to those questions, and I know this. My divorce taught me that lesson.

So, I move forward. And I have this amazing appreciation for the following songs:

"Oh you probably won't remember me. It's probably ancient history. I'm one of the chosen few who went ahead and fell for you. I'm out of vogue. I'm out of touch. I fell to fast. I feel too much. I thought that you might have some advice to give on how to be insensitive." Insensitive by Jann Arden

"And who do you think you are, running around leaving scars, collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart? You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul." Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri