Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Damn Emotions!

I was looking for some negatives. I had a friend who had lost his photos of Paris, and I had been there and offered to let him make copies from my negatives. I began tearing through my drawer of photos, unsure what I may have done with them. I found myself flipping through random piles of photos. I began throwing them away – weddings of cousins who are now divorced, my honeymoon, my trip to Vegas with my ex. All of it had lost its meaning. Still no negatives.

Wait! They may be with my wedding negatives! So I began plowing through that file box, and cleaned it out as well. As I came to my wedding negatives (they were actually engagement, bridal, and wedding shoot negs), I suddenly found myself sitting in a pile of discarded photos. Discarded…..history. My ….history……was lying in shambles on the floor around me. What did I even save this history for? My own daughter or son. It was a history of their mother. A story that needed told to understand where I came from.

And, it is a waste. I will not bare my own children. I sat on the floor and was suddenly overcome with grief. What are these photos for? What’s this house for? What’s this life for? Is there any real purpose for any of this? Why am I even here?

And so, I called my sister, and broke down. She explained this was natural, that these emotions would come and go. But this time, they took me completely off guard.

Today, I am both sad and in physical pain. My cramps are the worst I’ve ever had. I feel like my internal organs are swollen. I almost went to the ER this morning. I want some closure. I want some sense of direction. I want something to live for.

7 comments:

luke said...

I can't offer much except the hope that yes, it will pass. It doesn't feel like it will, but it will.

Kristi said...

thanks luke. The cool thing is my dog, Sam, and I have this agreement--I sleep on the right side of the bed and he sleeps on the left. When I crawled into bed, he creeped over to my side, and laid right up next to me and put his face on mine and wouldn't leave. After a bit, I convinced him to leave me some space and he got off the bed. So I laid there and decided to look at the alarm clock to make sure it was set. When I sat up, I saw him sitting on the floor, right next to me, staring at me. It's like he knew I needed some encouragement. I love that little man!!!!

Anonymous said...

Hi,

Have you ever thought of adoption and/or fostering a child who needs someone? There are lots of kids out there who are waiting for someone to step up and be there for them. Of course, this is none of my business but I feel for you and what you're going thru and it seems like you have so much love to give to a child.

You have a such a strong spirit and I know you will be ok, take care and good wishes for a speedy recovery!

Kristi said...

I have thought of it. But I'm single, and don't want to go the course alone. It's a huge job taking on a child, and i want a husband to help me. I'm all for adoption, but even that has its waiting lists, mothers changing minds, and such. I'd love to adopt, with a husband by my side.

FHL_Always said...

Maybe it upset you because you felt like you were finally recognizing that you would never have your own biological children...but don't ever give up hope on having children someday.

I would keep the photos, personally. Even if I never have any children I would still look at them later in life or show my friends some day later. But, that's just what I would do...obviously you're a completely different individual. :)

Sometimes I feel like you do and I wonder why I was created, what my purpose is. I never get an answer from the big guy...imagine that? So, I tell myself to take it a day at a time. Don't think about the future or what's to come and just think about surviving the next five minutes. It makes it a lot easier for me because I know I can do it.

Also, this really helped me...I came up with a catch phrase that I tell myself when I get nervous, anxious or sad. I say internally "I'm smart, sexy, confident, and improving". I say it as many times as necessary. Suddenly, I'm walking taller and have more self confidence.

...obviously I have never gone through what you're going through. I cannot imagine the pain that you must feel. I hope you don't think that I'm preaching at you -- I'm just trying to offer some encouragement and help.

Please let me know where and when your surgery will be and let me know if I can help in any way. I love you :)

Kristi said...

Thanks Kelsy. Taking life 5 minutes at a time is the easist for me as well. Those who haven't experienced the overwhelming power of depression and hurt have no idea how that feels. But we move forward, because we have to.

We all handle things differently. For me, this has been a really big thing for me to deal with. Because of that, I don't talk about it with all of my friends. It's easier for me to deal with that way.

I love you girl!
My surgery is January 4th at Hillcrest.

luke said...

I'm starting to appreciate that my bout with depression at least gives me some experience its "overwhelming power" and I agree that taking 5 minutes at a time helps.

If you need, I can fill up 5 minutes on the phone or something. Just give me a ring.