Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Kristi's Lullaby

“Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees”

Those are lyrics from Whiskey Lullaby, about a lover who drinks himself to death. Sometimes lyrics hit us at the heart, and this phrase really smacks of truth for me. I’ve been depressed a lot. I’ve even attempted to end my life. But I always managed to have the strength to get up off my knees. Sometimes, I had the resolve to go on and made up my mind to do so. Other times, I thought I had lost my resolve and tried to give up, but my spirit wouldn’t let go of me. And so, I hear those lyrics and I am thankful for the chances I have had to continue on.


Since my surgery, I’ve been a mess. I haven’t been able to properly express the turmoil in my head. It’s like my life is continuing, and I’m functioning, but my mind isn’t in it. It’s trying to figure out who I am now that my body is altered and my future has changed.


I was chatting with my sister online the other night, and I finally managed to express in words what’s in my head: the future is up to me, and I’m scared to death. I have spent years waiting on God to send me Mr. Right. When I got Mr. Right, I was going to have beautiful babies. Ha! I put a lot of things on hold, in case he came along. My house. My hobbies. My social life. Children. Vacations. Careers. I’ve had this sense of being temporary for quite some time. 7 years to be exact. Everything would be permanent when he comes and the children come. I put a lot of hope and expectation on God, you see. He was supposed to do what I was taught that he does—bring me a man who will help me, whom I could help, and whom I could share my life with.


And now that the child thing is no longer an option, the husband thing seems less important. I guess he was a means to an end? Anyway, I am now faced with the reality that the future is unwritten. It’s up to me to live. It was always up to me to live, but I didn’t perceive it that way. I expected God to fill in more voids than he did. Stupid religion!


So, I’m scared. Can I trust myself to not screw up the rest of my life? How do I proceed with this new life? How do I become the person I want to be? Or even bigger—who do I want to be?

At one point a few weeks ago, I didn’t feel like I had it in me to go on. But my spirit wouldn’t let me quit. Now, I have the resolve, because I understand myself better.


4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kristi,

You are such an eloquent writer--your posts are so heart-wrenching to read lately. You have my profound concern and sympathy for this major personal loss. I think that, as a woman, you may never go thru anything more painful than this. So, perhaps you've been thru the worst of the worst, physically and emotionally.

I am thinking of this today as I read your words: Those catastrophic wildfires that recently happened in beautiful places like Yellowstone and/or Yosemite. Such devastation in such beautiful places....why? Then, after all the destruction, new growth begins, a new start. This is how I see you right now. Out of such despair will come a new life, a new way, and deeper happiness. Stay strong.

Kristi said...

Thank you. A pastor and family friend told me when I was in the hospital, "The desert will flourish again". That goes along with what you are saying. She wasn't talking about my uterus. She was talking about my spirit and my soul. I forgot about that until now. Thank you for that!!

luke said...

Hang in there Kristi. I think fearing freedom is actually very healthy! Try some different things, hold onto the good and don't cling to the bad. And remember there's no 'wrong' way to cope with depression. Love ya.

Kristi said...

Luke, I have decided to do some new things. I am taking a pottery class--something I've always wanted to do. I'm finding out just how artistic my friends really are--why haven't we ever talked about this stuff before?---and we are all encouraging each other in our artistic endeavers. As I'm taking my first steps at mental independence, I'm seeing others do the same. We all just have our own history that has held us back.