My year has been good overall, but not without its challenges. My job has been a challenge. Staying positive and focused is hard, when your company is very political and with so much uncertainty in the market. Many days I wonder how much longer I will be able to muddle through the politics. But it is a good job. And I know that God gave me this opportunity to re-establish myself.
My main relationship this year was a tough one. It started out very, very good, and went sour very, very fast. I learned that I quickly give up things that are important to me, for a chance at companionship. And I truly need a companion who shares my loves. I also learned that I want someone who allows me to have freedom and a voice—not a controller. That relationship brought me to a place of acceptance for what may not be in my future. I would love to have kids, but worrying and wondering only made life more stressful. Letting go of that helped me to accept God’s will for me—whatever it may be.
I was absent a lot from church during this relationship, and I struggled with that. I didn’t intend to quit church, but I also allowed this man to dominate my time. There was no time for church, as long as I was with him. In the end, his controlling nature became more and more clear, and as he crossed a major line with me and my home, I found myself alone again, and unsure of whether or not I could return to church. When I did, I had a whole new respect for those who don’t come regularly, and those who disappear for time periods. You just don’t know the struggles people encounter in life that keeps them at bay. When they do return, the last thing they need is to be scrutinized.
I had minor surgery, only to find out that my reproductive organs are in good shape. Part of me wonders if they are being preserved for a reason, but I'm not stressing over it. I hinted at my doctor about removing them completely, and she refused to do so. Like I said before, I'm OK either way.
I went from having a roommate, to being alone again. That was a burden lifted off of my shoulders. I am not good at sharing my space for long periods of time, and that friendship nearly ended over the whole thing. Luckily, it lasted, and I can once again leave the bathroom door open and walk around the house in my skivvies.
I was reminded that I still struggle with many codependent areas. But I recognize them when they occur. I have this weird need to get approval of certain people around me. Those people will never provide me “approval” because they hold power by withholding it. Therefore, I waste my time trying to earn something that I cannot earn and truly don’t need.
I have connected with friends from the past, and that has been refreshing. I have made new friends, and that has been exciting. And I have been more willing to be a friend, and to be friendly. That’s a big deal for me. I enjoy being social for the first time.
Finally, I did the ridiculous--I went to a psychic. It was a strange occurance where I went as a favor to a friend who didn't want to go alone. I've always been curious of the trade, coming from a pentecostal type of background. But the experience was very . . . . interesting. I am not living by anything that was said, because time will tell if it's truth.
So, overall, I'm happy with this year. I've had some horrible ones previously, and it's nice to look back without grimacing.