Monday, January 26, 2009

Depression / Angst

I’ve not been one to hide my depression. Especially once I graduated college, I learned to just admit it and accept it and treat it. In the past few years, my depression has been much more controlled. By that I mean my mood hasn’t stayed on ground zero non stop. I have attributed that to God, my faith, my job, my age, my confidence. But last week, I felt like I was shot back to 1997.

I had a terrible week. I was talked down to, bossed around, ignored. It drained me emotionally, mentally, and therefore, physically. I’m convinced having a dick would have kept me from such abuse.

Saturday, an incident set me off into a huge bawling binge. My explosion was overdue, and it was the culmination of the week’s hell. It catapulted me into a state of depression that I haven’t felt in a long time. Like bricks were tied to my head, my arms, my back, my heart. I became angry at myself for not being bolder and bitchier, at God for creating me, at men for being jerks.

I had a “prayer” last night that was the most heartfelt I’ve had in a while. Probably because it was full of anger. How dare you create me! How dare you give me this personality! How dare you ! The truth is, I will likely be alone the rest of my life. I may never remarry. I probably won’t have kids. My sister’s husband doesn’t like me, so I may never be close to my niece. I’ve backed away from their family, knowing that my presence seems to ignite him. I’m not sure what it is about me that he resents, but his resentment only worsens through the years.

o, I’m trying to figure out why the hell I was born, what my purpose is, why I’m still here. I’m 36 and have nothing to show for my life.


Naida Lee said...

you have a lot to show for your life! there are a lot of people battling depression and you have come so far in your battle and your so open with it. it helps people! and you're always encouraging.. you have a lot of friends that love you! especially me! you may not have many tangible things to show for your life but that's because you invest your life in others.. you don't normally recieve the benefit of your work because you don't do things for yourself. i hope that when you get to heaven God can show you all the people you have touched. i love you Kristi!!!

FHL_Always said...

I totally 100% agree with Naida. I don't think that I could say it any better!

But, you do have things to show for your life. You have the many people that you have forever touched, including me. I know that when I need someone to talk to, that I could always talk to you (and I hope you know that you can do the same...I know I'm only 20 but I can still listen!).

Don't give up on yourself! You are so much more than your profession and I hope that your job doesn't make you think of yourself any lower than what you are! You are amazing! And, you are not a mistake. God made you the beautiful person that you are.

Jeff said...

Girl, I knew I should call you today. You have forgotten that you're my hero. I don't want to do what I do without you. In fact, I'm not sure I could.

I would not have survived the last 6 weeks without you.

Don't you dare quit. Then the jerks win. You're better than them and you're better than that.

I know that in the depths it is impossible to step outside and look at the situation, but believe me (do you believe me?) you will rise above it.

It is not 1997. It is 2009 and you are better than you've ever been. You have no idea how you come across to others. If you weren't so special and so capable you wouldn't be so intimidating to weak men.