Friday, February 6, 2009

Cursed

A wave of depression covers me like a lead blanket. I am trapped under it, and stopped trying to free myself. At times like this, love isn't enough. I don't know what is. I keep going, but not without resentment. I know eventually the blanket will lift a little, the pressure will ease a little. But that is hardly solace for me right now. I'm angry, and I want more than a little less pressure. I want the whole damn thing to disappear.

I was working sudoku tonight, and it dawned on me why I like puzzles so much: it's the only time my mind is so focused that I just . . . . .stop . . . . . .feeling. I focus so much on the puzzle at hand, that I forget about my existence.

I thought I had overcome some of this curse, and returning to it with such force makes me more depresssed. More shaken. More disappointed in myself and in God. I watched my dad this evening as he sat in silence--anxious, heavy hearted. I remembered him telling me once that he has battled depression for years. I was shocked, but now I see the outward signs that I used to ignore. He doesn't mask his mental battles as well as he used to. I realized how much both of my parents have struggled silently within themselves, donning a great facade for the world to see. And so, I look around and don't see much hope for my dark cloud to dissipate. If this man of God, this faithful follower, this great witness that I call my father cannot shake the curse, then how can I?

I am tired of praying about it. I'm tired of . . . . . . . hoping. Surely God has more for me than this. I don't remember being given any choices about my personality, my body, my skills, my future, before I was born. This is NOT the life I would have chosen for myself.

7 comments:

Naida Lee said...

:(

Naida Lee said...

my crazy Asian friend Soo at work was telling me about something that she used to have wrong and God healed her but it wasn't until she stopped just hoping and praying but instead she firmly believed that God would do it and identified the problem as Satan and rebuked it.
easier said than done.. i know. but i honestly believe that we could have so much more of the things we HOPE for if we actually BELIEVED they could be done.. my problem is that i just don't have enough belief. Reminds me of that verse in the Bible.. don't remember where or who but it was "I believe. Now help my unbelief." or something like that....

Jeff said...

God, I feel so helpless. I wish I could do something...anything to help.

You will get through this dark place. But, I understand that it must feel hopeless that the feeling will also return again...and again.

I also read the part about love not being enough. But what about compassion? My compassion for you as a person with so much to give, so much talent, so much love.

Know that tonight I am "suffering with" you. And, tomorrow will be a little lighter than today. And the next day a little lighter. If I could only carry a little of it for you, maybe it would clear up sooner.

Here's the bottom line. I will be here or wherever you need me to be to do whatever I can, even if that's nothing.

I'm game for "sitting shiva" and keeping my big mouth shut too. Whatever would help.

luke said...

Kristi,

I've just caught up on a couple of these somber posts. I want to say something helpful, but I've never had to deal with depression, so I don't know what would help. But, I can share just a bit of my own experience and maybe something in it can help.

When I'm in a sad mood, sometimes the worst thing is for someone to try to knock me straight out of it. And sometimes the best thing is to embellish it - I turn the lights out to sit in the dark and quiet, I read serious books, I play a video game, I think about times gone by - good and bad.

Every autumn I go thru a phase of melancholy. I have my own mind-consuming habit to help smooth it over - an old video game I used to play back in high school. I think it's kinda like sudoku - it's just enough activity to stop thinking about whatever's slumping my mood, but it's little enough that I could basically do it forever without needing a rest.

But I don't think sadness is always a bad thing. I've found that melancholy also leads me to pensive reflection and contemplation - usually about how sad things seem - that I am, and the whole world is, just not right, and seems like it never has been. There's something pressing down on all of us, and a lot of the time we're pressing each other down.

Sorry to get spiritual, but this is the world Jesus came into, and I think he agreed that it sucks the way things are. He calls us to something so much better. I think we're all homesick for a place we've never been. It sounds like you might get it worse than some of the rest of us, but I think that means you understand, recognize, and enjoy those good moments more than most of us.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, while I don't want you to feel depressed forever, I don't think it's a "curse" - like it's evil or wrong to be depressed. It's more like homesickness.

Kristi said...

WOW. Luke, you've brought me to tears. I've never seen it that way.

Phyllis Renée said...

I like what Luke said; that could very well be the case. For me the depression comes and goes just as you've described and I have found that looking it square in the face and speaking to it really helps.

I know, I know that's really crazy! But if I can sort of interview the thing, ask what, where, why, and how it has come upon me once more it doesn't have as strong of a hold on me.

Also, and this is a very difficult thing for me to do when I'm really depressed, but, try to find someone you can do something for. Fulfill a need in someone's day and you cannot believe the strength you will feel afterwards. I have recognized in the past that the times I was most depressed and most focused on myself were times I could've been a significant blessing to someone else.

luke said...

I'm glad it had a good effect.

We also just talked about the Beattitudes at RCIA last night so I though I'd share a little blurb re: "Happy are those who mourn ..."

"Happy are those who are sorry for their sins, and sorry for the sins of others. Be conscious of the fact that not everyone lives the way Jesus asks. When you are sorry because of that, you mourn. Jesus is saying it's good to let that feeling come to the surface."