A wave of depression covers me like a lead blanket. I am trapped under it, and stopped trying to free myself. At times like this, love isn't enough. I don't know what is. I keep going, but not without resentment. I know eventually the blanket will lift a little, the pressure will ease a little. But that is hardly solace for me right now. I'm angry, and I want more than a little less pressure. I want the whole damn thing to disappear.
I was working sudoku tonight, and it dawned on me why I like puzzles so much: it's the only time my mind is so focused that I just . . . . .stop . . . . . .feeling. I focus so much on the puzzle at hand, that I forget about my existence.
I thought I had overcome some of this curse, and returning to it with such force makes me more depresssed. More shaken. More disappointed in myself and in God. I watched my dad this evening as he sat in silence--anxious, heavy hearted. I remembered him telling me once that he has battled depression for years. I was shocked, but now I see the outward signs that I used to ignore. He doesn't mask his mental battles as well as he used to. I realized how much both of my parents have struggled silently within themselves, donning a great facade for the world to see. And so, I look around and don't see much hope for my dark cloud to dissipate. If this man of God, this faithful follower, this great witness that I call my father cannot shake the curse, then how can I?
I am tired of praying about it. I'm tired of . . . . . . . hoping. Surely God has more for me than this. I don't remember being given any choices about my personality, my body, my skills, my future, before I was born. This is NOT the life I would have chosen for myself.