Thursday, May 12, 2011

Controlled Chaos

The responsibilities of life have all been muddled in chaos as of late—controlled chaos. But I love it. I work best and most efficiently under pressure. It has come at a good time—when my mind needed a shift. And so, I find myself relishing this time. I had been in an emotional cage, my mind stuck in a constant loop of frustration, and becoming disjointed. My friends were my saviors, not allowing me to sink too far in the mire, opening those cage doors and reminding me that I am free to do and be whomever I please. Now, I’m too busy to get weighed down by the drama of the past. I haven’t the time I had previously for emotional dissection and re-assemblage.

As I age, I find it much easier to pick up my pieces and move forward. It’s rewarding to look back and see where I was and where I’ve come. It’s empowering to know I can do it again, if the need arises. There is strength in experience. There is always hope. I do grow weary of these “growth spurts” that begin with hurt and end with empowerment. But they are part of life. And I am a much stronger woman for each of them.

And so, I am finding comfort and purpose and walking through new doors once again. It’s very liberating.

It has reminded me what is important in life----living. Not just existing, not walking with a blindfold in order to continue in denial, and not living vicariously through others. It’s being alive, appreciating it, and living your life knowing it’s your only shot to get it right.

2 comments:

Kelsy said...

I'm always impressed with reading your posts at the growth that you have had since the beginning of your blog.

You have grown so much as a person. And you seem so much happier and fulfilled as an individual. It is true, it is your life. No one else can take that away from you or make you feel less than you are unless you let them.

So let's see you have 79 blog entries! That's a lot -- sounds like you can start that autobiography now ;) I'd sure read it!

Kristi said...

Thank you so much Kelsy. As I'm sure you know, writing is cathartic. I am not a good speaker, so it gives me a chance to take my thoughts and feelings and put them down in writing. It helps me understand my own feelings better. And since I know people who read my blog regularly, it's a chance to give them a brief window into where my mind is at the moment.

Just when I think I'm a decent writer or have had an interesting life, someone comes along with better vocabulary or more experience and I think, "hmmm, my life is boring." ha! But maybe some day . . . .:-)