“Are you ready for this?” Allen asked me with his smartassy look. It was just the 2 of us, and he can read me like an open book. “Um, yeah, I think I am," I replied. He just grinned and said, “You may as well be. You’re already in it!” We both laughed, knowing he spoke the truth. So, why am I in it? Why have I made this commitment? Why him, and why now?
I can give you the logical explanations for being “in it”. Financially, sharing a home with someone else is a cost saving thing, because rent and utilities are split. Physically, having a man in the house means less work for me. I’m not the sole muscle behind repairs, chores, and mowing. Mentally, having a man around provides a sense of security. Emotionally, having a man around brings conversation, attention, and hope.
All of those are good, logical reasons. They are all true, but none have been enough reason in the past to share my home permanently with anyone. No man has had me willing to call my house, “our” house. No man has had me willing to open up the contents and chaos of my home to him in such a vulnerable way. I’m not afraid of being alone, so seclusion is actually the easiest option for me. Giving up my space and freedom is quite a sacrifice.
So why then? Because:
...my heart has said it’s OK to trust him.
…for the first time, I am ready: I’m more settled physically and emotionally than I’ve ever been.
…I’ve found in him a common moral compass, and character.
… being with him makes me more comfortable than being alone. (Never had that one before.)
…he is open and honest, but without the brutality that some bring with it. In turn, I can be honest with him.
…he has my heart and I find him to be irresistible.
…I know that he truly does love me, as much as I love him.
…I have peace.
As you can see, it’s not because I need him. It’s because I want him. I want to support his decisions, his parenting, his life. I want to wake up next to him and share life with him. I have been preparing myself, whether intentionally or not, for his presence in my life. And now that he's finally here, I want to make the most of it.