There is an excitement in a new love. In a new relationship. This time, I fell fast and hard. Why? He reached past the walls that I so adamantly built. He didn't even acknowledge them. He had me admit to thoughts and emotions that I wasn't prepared to admit, by seeing them and questioning them. It was very surreal. It was very scary. And he sucked me in with his voice, with his looks, but more than that, with his amazing gifts and skills. I was awestruck. I fell hard and fast---and I've NEVER fallen that hard and fast for any guy. The things he said, the personal stories he shared, it was all very intimate. He pushed love, the lasting kind of love. About commitment. Said he wished he had been a better man in his youth to deserve me. That he hoped I held on for the ride. That he loved me, and was in love with me. And then, as abruptly as it started, it stopped. I was suddenly left in the dark. I was merely fit into his busy (really? I don't think so!) schedule. Maybe it was the thrill of the hunt he liked, and when he had me it was no longer interesting. Maybe it was that I was too stable and too normal. Maybe I was one of several women he was doing this to at once. Some things that would have been red flags early on were not revealed until after I was sucked in. By then, it didn't matter so much, because I had already made a commitment to him.
Suddenly, it was this realization that I wasn't fitting into his world. I was not a consideration. The man who pushed commitment, suddenly had none for me. I did what I could--I gave, and I gave. And yet, it was futile. His excuses, in hindsight, are ridiculous. His drama is of his own doing. His willingness to suck me in and then discard me was pretty fuckin amazing and manipulative. He is a player. He is a user. He is a taker. He is NOT a giver. I got very, very little out of it past the first few weeks. If it wasn't about him and his greatness, then it didn't exist. And I didn't exist. I wonder how many women he has played this way. I am sad that I was sucked in. I am angry at him for being so selfish. I am really not angry at myself for once, because this was so atypical. It caught me off guard. It seemed too good to be true initially, and it was.
I am strong and resilient. This is not my first rodeo. I'm not this sad, naive, needy child that will hang on for months on end to a man who toys with me. I will let go, and I did. I sent an email expressing my disdain. Did he read it? Likely not, because if it's not uplifting to himself, then he's not interested. But I put in writing my feelings. I explained my hurt. And I told the truth--he is a coward. He would not answer my calls or texts. He could not face me in any way. He showed that his narcissistic personality is so huge, that I don't even deserve an explanation. I really don't think he had one. I think he does this en masse with women. What a lonely, pathetic man he will be one day, when his looks fail him and his reputation precedes him. He could have had an amazing woman with me. He has no idea the level of committment I am willing to give a man, the lengths that I would go to for the right person. But he will never know.
I am a fighter. I am a good person. I am not going to roll over and let a man shit on me repeatedly. I deserve better. I have a lot to offer. I am self sufficient. I don't need a man, I just want one. All I ask from a man is a little attention. That's not a lot, folks. I am a giver, and I will take care of a man who is willing to be there for me. Unfortunately, this man either found me to be not dumb enough, not blond enough, or just too normal. I'd rather be too normal than so messed up that I hang onto a narcissist for years on end, waiting for my turn to get acknowledgement. My parents didn't raise a fool, so I'm not that girl.
And you know what? I'm OK. When I made the decision to cut that cord, I went from sick to my stomach to peace within minutes. Sure, I have a lot of unanswered questions. But I have so much to offer that it's not like I'm going to sit in my room crying for days. I will never get the answers to those questions, and I know this. My divorce taught me that lesson.
So, I move forward. And I have this amazing appreciation for the following songs:
"Oh you probably won't remember me. It's probably ancient history. I'm one of the chosen few who went ahead and fell for you. I'm out of vogue. I'm out of touch. I fell to fast. I feel too much. I thought that you might have some advice to give on how to be insensitive." Insensitive by Jann Arden
"And who do you think you are, running around leaving scars, collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart? You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul." Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri