Sunday, April 24, 2011

Advice to Men

It has been a crazy few weeks, as I've struggled to find me again, to move on, to not think of him. Just when I'm moving forward, something edges back into my mind and I think of him. I mourn the loss of him as I struggle with the knowledge that I was not important to him. I found this amazing connection with a man, and he chose to ignore me for days. I am not a hook-up that you call when you need something. I am a human being--a viable person. I deserve more than that. I'm not a whore you call when you are alone and bored or need some attention. So I go between anger at him for brushing me aside so easily after claiming my heart, and the love I still hold for him. I wish in some ways he would call and answer my questions and tell me it was a mistake or a misunderstanding. But I wonder if that would be enough--he would have to prove to me he loves me. I don't think he knows how to do that.

Growing up, I struggled to feel important. The focus was always on my dad's job, my mom's stress, my sister's sports. I was always in the background, the good girl, the peacemaker. I tried hard to earn a little attention, but rarely got it. When I dated, I found myself with smart men who were not only controlling but very self absorbed. My husband gave me no attention at all. It's as if I continued my hell with my choices. When I met this man recently, I felt important for the first time ever. I felt wanted for the first time. But then after a few weeks, I was again unwanted, unimportant.

Cheating on me and ignoring me are the 2 worst things a man can do to me. I'd rather be hit than ignored, because at least you care enough to hit.

I want a man who wants me, and isn't afraid to tell me. I want a man who is willing to fit me into his life somehow. Even if it means some random scheduling due to his kids--if he makes an effort to see me and to talk to me, that's priceless. I want a man to say partnership and love, and to be willing to show it to me and not just talk about it. I want a man who is as interested in what I have to say as what he has to say. I want a man who wants to be a part of my life--not just expecting me to fit into his.

I have yet to find this man. and it hurts like hell, because this man talked the talk, but he couldn't walk the walk.

My advice for men:

Don't say LOVE unless you MEAN it.

Don't talk it if you can't walk it.

Don't be too cowardly to be open. If she wants to talk, and needs to talk, and needs something, LISTEN. Show her you care--don't just say it.

Don't leave without a reason.

If you truly love her, involve yourself in her world. Don't make it all about yours.

Listen to her. Ask her questions, and really listen to the answers. Respect her answers.

Don't jump into a good woman's heart, and then run like hell.

If you miss her, tell her.

If you can't do these things, stick to your hook-ups and stay out of the real world of stable, good women.

1 comment:

Kelsy said...

I think your advice to men is really good and is exactly how I feel as well.

I think there is something important to being "the good girl, the peacemaker" like you said in your post. Perhaps your family was able to lean on you because of your personality and your giving spirit. And you were in turn strong enough to let your family work out their problems without putting yours to the forefront.